If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
