I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
