I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
