my mouth tastes like poor choices
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
birth control should be required to get into college
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
