this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
