just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
