The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
