she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
