At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
