god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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