mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
