Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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