i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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