It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
