I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
