Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
