I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
