i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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