How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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