FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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