maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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