I wish I could punch you in the face.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
