also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
