just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
