So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
