Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
