whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize