I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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