I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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