Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
