Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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