Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
