we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
