My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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