oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
