how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
this hospital has no fireball
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
