I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
