I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
