Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
