so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
