soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
