I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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