I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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