When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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