I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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