You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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