If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
