two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize