my mouth tastes like poor choices
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
