What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We don't watch enough power rangers
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
