what day is it and did you see me today?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize