Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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