i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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