It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
