she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
