why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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