i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
