$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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