Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
