Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
