I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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