I cannot find my penis.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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