Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
