go do what you do best...puke behind churches
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
