i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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